There’s one thing that most people don’t factor in to their relationship: comfort. It sounds almost silly, what does comfort have to do with with sex, love and a relationship. Everything, honey, everything.
So many people tell me the the trials and tribulations of their relationship and almost 90% of the time is traces back to comfort. In a relationship you should feel comfortable with someone, more comfortable than you feel with anyone else. There’s an ease in the relationship: you’re in your sweats and he’s still on yesterday’s shower, but it doesn’t matter, it’s comfortable.
You should be able to tell this person your continuous word vomit without constantly worrying that their opinion of you changes. You should feel comfortable enough to bring up things that worry you, and things you’re unsure of in the relationship.
A lot of issues trail back to communication and one party or both parties are too afraid to ask a question about the direction of a relationship or what something means. This wouldn’t be a problem if you were comfortable with that person.
The Non-Committer) You’ve been sleeping with a guy for eight months, you’re together, but you’re not. Early on he gave you the “I don’t like labels, I’m so glad you’re cool and don’t push us into that whole lame relationship bubble.” There are so many things wrong with this. One being that he pushes you into feeling like it’s wrong/”uncool” to want to be in a relationship. Two you’re too afraid to question anything because you don’t want to push him. Also it sounds really shady, no label and it’s easy to think he’s cheating.
Questions to Ask:
- Why don’t you like the label of relationships?
- What about the gf/bf label scares you?
The Friendly Romance) It’s been a great three year relationship, but he still hasn’t said he loves you. You’ve probably gone on some amazing trips together and you do all those things “normal” couple do. You might even live together. But he hasn’t said “I love you” and maybe if he has, but you sense something missing. There’s no passion, but you’re afraid to ask for anything more. You’re doing all the things couples do, but there’s something missing. An element of comfort helps ignite passion.
Questions to Ask:
- Have you ever been in love?
- How do I make you feel?
The Lackluster Sex Life) You’re out at a happy hour playing “never have I ever” with your close group of girlfriends and one of them says “I don’t know…I hate being put on the spot…haha, orgasmed in the last year!” Everyone’s laughing because Ashley’s been in a dry spell, and you think: “actually, I can’t remember the last time my boyfriend of a year made me orgasm. I know we had sex last night, but I didn’t orgasm. Shit, he’s never made me orgasm.” Now sometimes boyfriends need a little coaching to get you to the big O, the problem is that you are too afraid to tell him. You don’t feel comfortable making him feel bad and you don’t want to ask him to take the time to figure out what you need.
Questions to Ask:
- Do you want to try something new?
- Can you do ___ when you ___?
If you can relate to any of the above situations, don’t worry it’s not an immediate deal-breaker. You need to figure out why you feel uncomfortable asking questions or stating what you want from your partner. It stems not from a fear of asking the question, but from getting an answer that leaves you alone and vulnerable.
Comfort is like attraction sometimes it develops instantly and sometimes it develops over time. If comfort isn’t something that already exists in your relationship you have to build it. Be bold, ask the questions you want the answer to and offer a platform for you partner to do the same.